I never took the SAT in high school: the price paid to avoid being sucked into West High's Advanced Placement / International Baccalaureate Programme point-of-view, which is a painfully narrow place that, while not antithetical to worthwhile thought, is certainly an obstacle. We'll call it the Dan Campbell Memorial Circle of Hell, in honor of a man who is, from what I hear, dead on the inside.

Anyway, it was the price paid, and if the price strikes you as a little high, remember I have always had a pretty steep learning curve, all carefully-groomed appearances to the contrary.

Now, what I've written so far has made sense to precisely one person in the entirety of the universe—he knows who he is—so let me backtrack: I checked out of high school because the high school mindset is bullshit; however, it was a mistake not to take the SAT, and that's why I'm taking it in a three weeks.

What is the high school mindset? Here's an example: I picked up two SAT Prep books. Let's compare the introduction from the book by Publisher A with the introduction from the book by Publisher B:

Are you ready for a totally unique test prep experience? The SAT team at [Publisher A] understands what you are going through.

First, you're facing perhaps the single most important test of your high school career. Second, you're dealing with a longer, more grueling exam today—3 hours and 45 minutes to be exact—testing everything from writing to reading comprehension to reasoning to advanced math. Third, you're struggling to balance your normal activities such as sports and music with SAT prep. Finally, you're a person in need of options—the option of when to study, where to study, and most of all—how to study.

That's why you need this Program. The SAT Premier Program...

Coversely, the second book begins with an summary of the changes made in the SAT test last spring:

It still doesn't measure anything. It measures neither intelligence nor the stuff you're learning in high school. It doesn't predict college grades as well as your high school grades [my long-term prospects are dim] and the new 25-minute mini-essay scored in 60 seconds will certainly not measure how well you write.

It still underpredicts the college performance of women, minorities, and disadvantaged students. In other words, this test can make it tougher, not easier, for many of you to get into and pay for college. Historically, women have done better than men in college but worse on the SAT. For a test that is used to help predict performance in college, that's a pretty poor record.

It's still coachable in all the worst ways.

I'll admit: I spent over an hour trying to come up with a joke—any joke—that could top that first introduction. I considered mentioning that my boss, who runs a staff of more than two hundred people in fifteen states, does not need options of where to work, when to work, and how to work. Where? Her office. When? All the time. How? Hard.

I considered drawing on the similarities between "you need this Program" and the sales pitch you'd get at your local Scientology center. I considered explaining the part where they describe sitting on your ass for three and a half hours doing multiple-choice algebra is "grueling" can be accurate, if you grade on a curve and no Albanian Serbs or Gulf War Vets are taking the test.

I considered mentioning how well a person would score on the SAT if they used the phrases "totally unique" and "the option of when to study" in the grammar section of the test.

But in the end, none of my ideas really did justice to the monumental intellectual narcissism that runs through every word of that introduction. I'm not denying that it's morally admirable to say "I wanted a cool car, but I know Daddy can only really afford the two SUVs, so I'd feel bad asking," I'm just saying I don't need the book introduction equivalent of a drunken blow job in the bed of somebody else's pick-up truck to convince me to buy your product. In fact, it's kind of a turn off. So I'm just going to quietly return the thing tomorrow and exchange it for the next season of "The West Wing." I can steal something from Sorkin for my essay and it'll help my score more than any test prep book, even the one I'm not taking back.

As Ed says in the classic "Rueben and Ed," "Man, you reeeaaallly need that seminar!." - R & E afficianado.

Posted by  Anonymous @ 8:40 AM

 

More results from the Herald's best of Utah County: Best Donuts - Krispy Kreme; Best Video/DVD Rental- Blockbuster; Best Bookstore- Barnes and Noble. - Best of Salt Lake County

Posted by  Anonymous @ 2:59 AM

 

At least you don't have to balance your normal activities with SAT prep. Namely, because you don't have normal activities. - MAD Magazine reader

Posted by  Anonymous @ 7:20 PM

 

Who the heck is Dan Campbell? - Just asking

Posted by  Anonymous @ 7:43 PM

 

"I never took the SAT in high school: the price paid to avoid being sucked into West High's Advanced Placement / International Baccalaureate Programme point-of-view, which is a painfully narrow place that, while not antithetical to worthwhile thought, is certainly an obstacle. We'll call it the Dan Campbell Memorial Circle of Hell, in honor of a man who is, from what I hear, dead on the inside.”

Ah, this post really made me laugh. Having survived West’s IB programme (though, I didn’t take the exams. I too ‘checked out early’ and graduated in January to avoid the insanity and bull that was West), I can absolutely relate to your feelings. I was so frustrated with the uber competitive-shallow-pseudo-intellectual crap I found at West that I sort-of ‘checked out’ of the college search as well. Though I ended up going to a decent enough college, it certainly wasn’t a well-known one and I regret not applying to prestigious universities as well. A few years out (okay, more than a few…) and I recognize how valuable that “good school” reputation can be! My advice - please forgive me for offering it so freely - would be to not sell yourself short just to avoid the intellectual snobbery you encountered at West. Best of luck – hope those SATs weren’t too painful! (oh, and I too had Dan Campbell as a teacher -- I think it was before he "died on the inside" but it wasn't too long after that it happened. I assume you're referring to his typical IB teacher tendency to 'buy into the bullsh*t of Nietzsche-quoting-angst-ridden juniors and seniors???)

Posted by  Anonymous @ 12:47 PM

 

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