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Wednesday, September 14, 2005
John Roberts
Excerpts from the transcripts of John Robert's confirmation hearings, September 14th, 2005:

8:55 AM -

PATRICK J. LEAHY (D-VT): See how the lights are set up to make us look like statesmen? [chuckles]

ARLEN SPECTER (R-PA, Chair): Follow our lead, kid, and try and look dignified.

8:56 AM -

JOHN ROBERTS: Hey, everybody!

CROWD: Norm!

SPECTER: [sighs]

9:02 AM -

SPECTER: We're just about ready to begin, Judge.

ROBERTS: Sorry, sir. The White House had a set dresser to do this for me.

EDWARD KENNEDY (D-MA): [drinks from flask]

9:45 AM -

ROBERTS: I feel it's important that a justice know the Constitution. Judges are umpires, and the Constitution is our playbook, the source for American law. The justices must know it as well as Yog-Sothoth knows where the Old Ones broke through of old, and where They shall shall break through again.

SPECTER: I'm sorry?

ROBERTS: I said judges are umpires, and the Constitution is our playbook.

SPECTER: [blinks] Um...let's talk about eminent domain and, um, Kelo v. New London.

10:26 AM -

ROBERTS: It's settled law, Senator, and I respect precedent—

JOSEPH BIDEN (D-DE): But do you think it is right or wrong?

ROBERTS: It's settled law, and I serve the law as surely as the Brotherhood of the Black Pharaoh serve Nyarlathotep. I serve the law and the Constitution.


11:02 AM -

DIANNE FEINSTEIN (D-CA): Naturally, it is very troubling to those of us who...I'm sorry, Judge Roberts, are you all right? Your eyes look bloodshot.

ROBERTS: It is merely a sign of my devotion to the Constitution. I serve the Constitution, body and soul. It is my master, as surely as Cthulhu is Master of R'lyeh—

FEINSTEIN: I'm just saying, we can get you a glass of water if you'd like one.

11:45 AM -

SMALL CHILD: Daddy! It's that man I told you about!

SAM BROWNBACK (R-KS): Excuse me please, I have a sudden, urgent appointment to attend to. [exits]

12:11 PM -

BIDEN: That's not a clear answer to my question. Which side would you be on?

ROBERTS: I would be on the side of the Constitution. The Constituition is the master of us all. It is the master.

CHARLES E. SCHUMER (D-NY): Did you used to be in one of those Rocky Horror showings in the Village?

ROBERTS: The what in the where now?

KENNEDY: [drinks from flask]

1:31 PM -

HERBERT KOHL (D-WI): There has been controversy over the advice you gave Governor Jeb Bush of Florida during the 2000 recount—suggestions that Governor Bush asked for your help making sure his brother won the election—

ROBERTS: Lies! Scandalous lies! I serve the Constitution above all!

1:45 PM -

ROBERTS: The job of the court is to interpret law—it's your job here in this chamber to make it.

SPECTER: No, no, Judge, you're thinking of the lobbyists.

KENNEDY: [drinks from flask]

2:25 PM -

TOM COBURN (R-OK): It's not true you frighten small children like your treasonous liberal critics say, is it?

ROBERTS: I couldn't frighten a small child if I tried! [attempts to frighten a small child]

SMALL CHILD: [laughs delightedly]

2:51 PM -

ROBERTS: In that particular case, I had been asked to represent a specific client as part of my firm's pro bono work—

KENNEDY: Are you trying to start something?

ROBERTS: Um...no, sir.

KENNEDY: Better not. [drinks from flask] Don't screw with me, punk.

3:12 PM -

ROBERTS: I won’t take to the court whatever personal views I have on those issues. They’ll be based on my understanding of the law, which I serve—

BIDEN: You continue not to answer the question. Do you think Roe v. Wade was right or wrong? We demand answers! [bangs fist on table]

SPECTER: We do?

BIDEN: We do! We demand answers! We are the senate! We demand answers! We demand sacrifice! NOOOOOW! [bangs head on table]

KENNEDY: [drinks from bottle]

3:14 PM -

ROBERTS: The senate cannot demand sacrifice! The senate is the servant of the Constitution! We are all the servants of the Constitution! We serve! Only Yog-Sothoth, the Opener of the Way, may demand sacrifice!

BIDEN: Stop filibustering! Give us what we demand!

SPECTER: We demand nothing!

BIDEN: We demand everything! [throws "MR BIDEN" name plate at the Mr. Specter]

KENNEDY: Oh, now you're gonna start something?! [throws bottle at Mr. Biden] I'll fuck you up!

ROBERTS: ph'nglui mglw'nafh Madison R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! Hamilton fhtagn! Adams fhtagn! BY ALL THE FOUNDER GODS OF THE CONSTITUTIONOMOCON!

me thinks my cousin needs to bring what ever it is that he is drinking or smoking to MI with him for me to check it out!
-LMAOPIMP in TN
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous @ 4:35 PM
 
You should be writing for Court TV! Or is that Koretz TV (someday)?-- Klaktu Barata Lex (or however that goes).
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous @ 6:23 PM
 
If the justices are umpires, Yogi Berra should be the Chief Justice!- UT baseball fan
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous @ 7:21 PM
 
Ha! Wonderful. It's just like that, too . . . *recalls good ol' days of attending confirmation hearings*

~Emily
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous @ 8:53 PM
 
i am the only one not in detroit.. good thing i have my friends in the wood... :( seattle
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous @ 6:57 PM
 
...You know, for THIS, (sound of water sloshing as an immense Alien weight displaces it) I will spare you, your boyfriend David, (sounds of chanting in inhuman voices in background) and that funny kid Savenelli (sounds of massive tentacles writhing)if I weren't already dead and dreaming, you kids would just KILL ME with how funny you are! (sound of a sound that would it not drive us into madness to actually hear, might aproximate...laughter?) Dance my little Deep Ones! Dance!
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous @ 12:56 AM
 
Do I detect some Ferengi DNA in that last photo of Biden? - UT acquisitor
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous @ 8:27 PM
 
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